When my E left the world, I assumed that I'd never again have a fully joyous moment in my life. And I didn't feel that with a sense of pity for myself, but as more of a fact about my new existence. I would think about the day that my other children would reach milestones like graduations, weddings, and worst of all....grandchildren. I love kids, but the thought of the amount of potential loss that grandchildren could bring was too much for my grieving heart to handle. I just "knew" that each of those milestones, although happy occasions, would always be tainted with pain, with the ever-present "someone is missing."
I've absolutely felt his absence in times of joy. It still amazes me that my boy, who never got the privilege of growing up, could leave such an enormous hole. That little 2-year-old leaves a gaping adult-sized wound in places I didn't know possible. However, what I have noticed in the last two years or so is that while I notice his absence, I'm also able to recognize joy in moments I might have missed had I not had the experience of loving that kid. One such moment was my adult son calling my husband and me on the phone while we were driving a long distance. He shared with us that he was happy. "So happy with my life right now", he'd said. He described his job, his new proximity to the woman he loves, and the friends he'd made at work. He talked about playing pick-up basketball games and rounds of golf with new and old friends. In that moment, I felt this warmth all through me. I felt the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Nothing was missing. Nothing in my chest felt heavy. I could feel warm tears stinging at the brim of my eyelids and threatening to spill over. Not one of those tears that fell was carrying pain. After that moment, I started noticing more "moments." I could experience that "Christmas morning joy" sitting alone in my backyard as the sun was going down and shining on my blooming flowers. I could feel it when my oldest daughter described her walk to work as she studied abroad and took in new cultures, new friends, and new adventures. The joy came again when our college freshman passed her EMT certification exam. And another time when our twins secured spaces in an incredibly promising high school course for which they'd applied. One of my very favorite pastimes is listening to them giving each other hell and laughing so hard they can't breathe. It's the best sound in the world.
Of course, those first few times would allow for brief seconds of guilt associated with being joyful as somehow "forgetting" him. What I've learned since then is that I take him with me during these times of joy. When I'm able to do that, I get to have all of my kids at once. It's not in the way I wanted to experience them, but it's something.
And let me tell you something about adult kids...they can be super cool :) First of all, they can wipe their own asses. Big plus. But also, adult kids who can drink with you kind of rock. Kids who pay their own bills? Hellllllll yes! I get such a kick out of watching them "adult". The gift of E is that I don't take credit for any of my children's successes, so I'm sure as hell not taking the blame :). What I mean is, I don't NEED for my children to be anything other than exactly what and who they are. I'm genuinely content getting to watch them simply reach their next birthday. The rest is details. I get to watch them learn, to love, and to share their compassionate hearts with the world. I've learned so much from each of my children. They each offer unique perspectives and opinions. Some are more opinionated than others, and I'm here for it! ;) All of my kiddos have some crazy, dark humor because we have SEEN SOME SHIT. And while that makes some question their sanity, to me it just makes them mine. We understand each other in a way that others will never be able to comprehend. Don't misunderstand, there are moments that I'd give back every lesson learned to be able to bury my face in those curls again. To drink in his scent, completely oblivious to the reality that children sometimes leave this world before their parents. But that's not what happened in this life. I don't get him in the way I wanted him. I get him in the way I needed him. And you know what? Today? Today, I'll take it.
