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Thursday, July 26, 2012

Jillian, You've Met Your Match

I don't know if you know anything about Jillian Michaels or not, but she insane.  She's this sadistic, crazy bitch that I love to hate because she makes my ass live closer to it's original location.  I did her 30 day shred videos and got decent results, but became bored after awhile so I thought I'd try a different one.  Let me tell you, being cocky gets you nothing but pain and a seriously deflated ego in the long run...especially when your newly-found confidence is based solely upon the fact that your thighs no longer embrace as you walk from the couch to the refrigerator.  I thought I could just plow through the first two levels of her next DVD because, after all, I was IN SHAPE now.  I mean, I'd lost about 20-25 pounds (depending on the time of the month...we all know it's true) and I was looking less like an oompa loompa and more like an actual person.  However, I was wrong.  REALLY wrong.  I found the first level of  "Ripped in 30"  to be more difficult than the final level of the previous DVD.  Needless to say, I stayed with that one for a few weeks.  Then, when I stopped throwing up my intestines after every workout, I moved on to level 2.  At this point I began wondering if perhaps I should be considered for a mental evaluation.  Why was I doing this to myself?    Luckily, my kids have a way of reminding me:

(Recently, at a garage sale)- Morgan was sifting through some "treasures" and ran up behind me and said, "Mommy, Mommy, you need THIS!!!"

Oh, a "Buns of Steel" workout video.  Thank you, Morgan.

So, I plowed ahead with my workouts.  I eventually even made it to level 3.  I made myself an exceptionally large glass of water before starting this workout.  I even did a few of my own stretches before I turned the tv on to see what the psychotic little imp had in store for me now.  Let's just say the stretching did not help.  After completing level 3, I'm pretty sure I don't need to see level 4.  The only possible equipment you could need for that workout would be a bullet and a large gun.  This is the only way to make it more painful than level 3.

Sometimes when I lose motivation, I have my kids workout with me.  Only God knows why.  I mean, what good could possibly come of that?  I worked out with my eight-year-old son, Logan, and my 5-year-old daughter, Morgan.  And, as I'd suspected before we even began, they both said things that made me want to punch them.  Logan is REALLY good at telling me how easy something is at exactly the wrong time.  I believe this time it was, "Mom, this one is really easy.  It's even easier than the last one."  Yeah, well, I guess it would be, son...especially if I took three recliner breaks like the Bieber-headed goofball I see reflected behind me in the tv screen.  But, Morgan's comments were really stellar during this particular workout.  We were doing move working the tricep muscle and she chimes in with, "Oh, I love this one, Mommy.  It's really fun and so easy for me!"  She was behind me and so I couldn't see what she was doing, but this particular move makes my arms and abs scream for mercy and essentially beg me to let them die in peace.  So, I can't even respond to the little brat that's proclaiming her love for fitness just three feet behind me.  However, she then says, "Oh, wait a minute...are you NOT supposed to have your head on the floor?"  Now, I have no idea what in the hell that kid had been doing but it is physically impossible to do this move and have your head anywhere near the floor, so I responded accordingly.  "No, Morgan, your head should not be on the floor."  And then, the greatest moment of the entire workout, "Oh, I can't do it then...I'm gonna go get a popsicle."

So, my dear Jillian, you have most certainly met your match.  It just doesn't happen to be me.