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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Low Carb and Loving It

So, I've lost a couple of pounds.  Nothing amazing or earth-shattering, just enough that I'm not currently lying on the bed to button my jeans.  (Wonder what that little running bunny would think of me now???)  Anyway, I've been working out 20 minutes a day and watching my carb intake.  I, like every other woman I've ever met, LOVE carbs.   However, it's probably one of the most effective ways to lose a few pounds.  Having said that, I am NOT one of those people that will tell you that the modified meals that I've been eating are "just as good as the real thing."  Who do these people think they're kidding?  If it's fat free and sugar free, it's gonna taste something like flavored cardboard.  We all know it's the truth, no matter what we tell ourselves.

I recently saw fat free oreos in the grocery store.  What the hell is the point?  If I'm gonna eat an oreo, it's gonna taste like a freaking oreo.  Can you imagine wasting the few precious calories you get in a day on something that someone "tried" to make taste like the real thing?  No. And don't ever trust a skinny person when they tell you that this "new hamburger bun made entirely of wax paper" is delicious!!  They have forgotten what food tastes like, and are pissed because they haven't actually eaten in the past 10 years. 

The truth is, the weight-loss thing is not easy for all of us.  If you are thin, one of two things are probably true. You are either one of those people who just happen to be skinny despite eating 6 ding dongs for breakfast everyday (in which case you should probably sleep with one eye open), or you've been in a state of near-starvation for an extended period of time and are lying to yourself about the "deliciousness" of the newest rice cake.  I was once actually interested in how the whole vegetarian/vegan thing works and read a book about the types of foods they eat and why.  I was almost sold on the idea until one of them started talking about this "new cheese that looks and tastes like the real thing and ALMOST melts!"  Ummm, excuse me?  We have to get excited about cheese melting?  Sorry, but that is one thing that I fully expect my cheese to do.  If we are looking for ways to make it melt, it isn't cheese, and I'm not eating it.  So...vegan...out.

It's also difficult to stay on a diet during that one time of the month that you are likely to become ravenous, and dream of emptying every cabinet in your kitchen.  (If you are a man reading this and just became uncomfortable, get over yourself.  It happens, and there isn't anything you can do about it, so quit fearing it.  In fact, get out a book or two and educate yourself.  It would save me a LOT of exasperated eye-rolls).  Anyway, I hate it when people try to give me snacks that are going to get me through this time of immense craving.  "Here, try this sugar-free jello with cool-whip!  You'll love it! You won't even know it's healthy!"  Yeah, ok lady, you keep telling yourself that, while I go over to the refrigerator section and pour chocolate syrup directly into my mouth.

Needless to say, I may not be following the most strict diet available, but I do think it may be time to call that little energizer bunny and challenge her to a rematch.  I'll bet this time I'd only have to wear ONE pair of spanx, and only throw up half of my lung.  She'd be so jealous.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Sticky Situation

Why is my life so sticky?  About 8 years ago, I started noticing the beginnings of a strange sort of "gooiness" in my life.  I've decided that something being "gross" is very much relative to your current situation.  For example, I have known those women who wear gloves when they do dishes because the feel of the water on their hands is just "yucky."  Yeah, well let me tell you something about yucky, my friend.  Kids give you a whole new perspective when it comes to all things disgusting.

A friend of mine recently told me that she noticed something on the back of her neck.  She reached up to scrape it off and found it to be a dried on piece of some sort of food.  She has no idea when it got there, and is fairly certain that she was not the one eating it.  This is the perfect way to explain the "ickiness" of being a mom.  We are literally, a human kleenex.  I honestly can't remember the last time I had a shirt that DIDN'T have something crusty/gooey on the left shoulder.  And, I absolutely LOVE when a newly engaged friend flashes her sparkly diamond my way, because I almost immediately think, "That's awesome, wonder what it will look like with baby poop smeared on it."

It's like being a mom means that you no longer recognize a "right place" and "right time" to have the icky conversations.  My daughter went to the bathroom in a store once, and came out with a horrified look on her face.  Of course the stalls were full of other women, and she says, "Mommy!!!  Come look at my poop!  It's green, and it has a beard!!"  Yeah, great.  One more place that I can't shop anymore.  Thanks, dear.

We've all done the unthinkable as moms.  And if someone tells you they haven't done something absolutely repulsive as a result of mommyhood, they are either a) lying, or b) not actually raising their own children.  Here are a few of the gross things we've all done, but some are too embarrassed to admit (note: after 4 children embarrassment is sort of non-existent).  You know you're a mom if...

1.  You've ever given your child a 30 second spit-bath before meeting someone new.

2. You've ever lifted a child high enough into the air in order to stick your nose directly into their butt-crack to determine whether or not you need to change a number 2.  (note: mothers do this all the time, and we don't give it a second thought.  It's sort of like waiting for the turkey timer to pop up.  Just part of the day.)

3.  You've ever dropped your child's pacifier, picked it back up off of the street and licked it off before shoving it back into your kid's mouth. (a slightly germy, quiet baby is better than a screaming one.)

4.   You've ever pulled over on the side of the road, held your daughter up in a sort of squatting position and watched helplessly as she pees directly on your foot.

5.  You've ever smelled something exceedingly vile, checked every butt in the house and eventually discovered that it's the soured milk smell of your nursing bra.  Yeah, gotta change those things every once in awhile. 

6.  You've ever looked down at your hands after a really long, hard day and noticed something slightly yellowish smeared across your knuckle and tried to remember if you'd eaten mustard that day.  In all likelihood it is baby poop, but you figure that pretending it's mustard means that you can just wash it off tomorrow if it happens to be shower day.

These are just a few of the beautiful moments in a Mommy's life.  But, like anything else, we must take the good with the bad.  Sure, I have to wipe butts while eating, but I also get the biggest, squishiest hugs imaginable.  And to be honest, I wouldn't trade those for anything.  Even if they are slightly sticky.