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Sunday, May 8, 2016

Mother's Day 2016

It's Mother's Day again. I guess it's just going to keep coming. On the bright side, it's beautiful outside right now, and as I sit here on the wall of my garden and write, I'm struck by the fact that if I weren't so broken, this wall I sit on wouldn't be here. Instead of flowers, there would be deep belly giggles. Instead of frogs and superman lawn ornaments there would be curly hair and sticky kisses. But there are flowers. There are lawn ornaments. And they are beautiful.

For the past three Mother's Days I have been holed up in my room, under covers, fighting the intense burn in my chest.  Today I'm outside enjoying the breeze and listening to the chimes in my E's garden. And that isn't "strength" or something I've done alone. It is the collective love I've received today from friends and family who know my pain and love me enough to share in it on their own special day. To my sweet, soul sister who holds me and quite literally reminds me to "breathe" on a daily basis, I love you for saving me. To my beautiful friend who became a mother by chance this year, your capacity to create that "Mom space" in your heart has been breathtaking to watch. To the countless women who "mother" my children when I can't, how can I repay you?

Although today is mixed with emotions, I'm grateful for every one of them. The burn in my chest is a reminder of the intense love I continue to feel for my boy in heaven. My rubber "best friend" bracelet given to me by my 11 year old daughter, makes my heart smile and I cherish these moments that she thinks of me in that way.

I never knew just how far a Mom heart could stretch. But today, as I sit here in this beautiful garden that I would gladly give back, I recognize the capacity to love this much as a gift from my son. My mom heart is here, in the home run grin from the boy who now looks me in the eye. It is here in the contagious giggle of my eight year old. It is here in the ornery sarcasm of my Noodle (no idea where she gets that). But my mom heart is also in heaven, and the ability to stretch that far has been a long and difficult process, but it's there. And it has paved the way for stretching across the world, as today I hold my Haitian baby/babies in my heart. I'm amazed at my attachment there already. And I'm hopeful that my NEXT mother's day will not only fill my heart, but also my arms. Each day is one day closer, my little ones. Mommy is waiting for you!