We aren't heroes. I have to start there. I've thought about this for awhile now, and although I'm still not exactly sure how I want to present this information, I know for sure that I don't want to be called a hero.
Adoption teaches us things we can't know if we have only biological children. It teaches us hard things about ourselves and makes us take a long look in the mirror. If we're honest with ourselves, we keep looking in that mirror and we let it show us that we are, in many ways, inadequate. I'm not the "best thing that happened" to these children. I'm not "an answer to a prayer." I'm just a person who is trying to make the best of a hard situation each and every day.
When people talk about adoption, you often hear the phrase "gotcha day." This is the day the children come home to live with their new family. Our family will not be celebrating that day. Although there were some wonderful moments associated with that time, I cannot celebrate such loss for my children. They lost their home, their culture, their people, and the only sense of security they've ever known. The magnitude of that is not lost on me, and I will forever carry a certain amount of guilt for taking them from that. When I say that, I find that people are quick to respond with, "but think about all the wonderful things you're giving them that they never would have had!" Honestly, this response makes my stomach turn. This implies that the good part of their lives starts now. And if we are to assume that, then we are erasing the importance and the beauty of what makes them who they are. And I cannot accept that. I won't accept that.
I know that everyone means well, and that you can't know the depths of adoption unless you're living it. For us, know that we are not doing everything "right". We are not saints. We are not heroes. We are frustrated and tired, often confused and always uncertain. We are also experiencing things that are beautiful beyond comprehension. Also know that although you may know our part of the story, there are two more little lives involved, and their story is not mine to tell.
This was not a rescue mission. It was not "meant to be" or "orchestrated by God". I know that's difficult for some, but I will never be comfortable telling my girls that God wanted them to go through so much loss, uncertainty, and pain in order to come to live with me. We are just a family, supporting one another in all of the ways we can, and navigating this life together.
We love our girls, as we love all of our children. And like all parents, we will make plenty of mistakes. We will learn as we go, and hopefully we will experience the love and peace that each of us needs.
