Covid Kindness

 My name is Shannon Zanger. I'm a 38 year old registered nurse, and mother to 6 children. I was diagnosed with Covid-19 on 9/18/20. I'm currently on day 31 of symptoms. My symptoms included, early on, a scratchy throat, occasionally mild cough, and a low grade temp of 99. After day 8, my symptoms worsened and included shortness of breath. I was hospitalized for 10 days and received oxygen via nasal cannula, IV antibiotics, IV antivirals, steroids, inhalers, vitamins, blood thinners, etc. Although I'm no longer hospitalized, my symptoms persist. I spend at least 4-5 hours a day lying in the prone position (on my stomach) because it is literally the only thing that gives me temporary relief from chest pain/pressure. 

I know most are aware of this part of my covid journey, and that isn't the point of this post. My focus now is on the mental health aspect of this virus. As my symptoms continue, and render me essentially useless at home, I spend a lot of time thinking, and admittedly too much time reading Facebook posts. The latter has certainly been detrimental to my mental health. Of course the political climate is ridiculous right now, on both sides, by the way. But mostly, I find myself reading through tears the comments from people who KNOW me who question the severity or validity of this virus. I don't understand that. I specifically don't understand the claim that this will be "over after the election". What?? Does that mean that after November 3rd I won't have to inject myself with insulin 4 times a day? My heart won't race when I'm simply lying down and sleeping for an hour at a time, waking me with gasping for breath? Because if so, I'd love to see that. Why would it benefit me to make this up? This has changed my life. My biggest accomplishment during the day is being upright for longer than an hour at a time. I promise you I don't care who you're voting for, I'm miserable. 

And let's talk masks. Do they protect you from covid 100% of the time? Hell no! In fact, I'm guessing that masks may give less than 20% coverage if made with cloth. But you know what? That percentage is better than nothing. And combined with avid hand washing and MOST IMPORTANTLY social distancing, we can help to keep each other as safe as possible. 

I want normal life back!! I so badly want my kids to be able to play their sports again and go back to school. I honestly believe they could do that safely! However, I think we as parents should sacrifice our "need" to be present for games in order for our kids to be able to play. I hate that I would miss even one of my kids' activities. However, I love them enough to know that they need this part of their lives, so I'm more than willing to stay away or only attend outside events far away from other spectators. 

We can do this, Adam's County! We can care for others without knowing them. And I'm not "living in fear." Believe me, my family learned long ago that you can't live that way. What we are doing, is living in a caring and responsible way. I care about YOUR health. I care that you NEVER know what I have experienced at the hands of this beast. I promise to NEVER be the reason your child is on a ventilator, your friend is hospitalized, or your grandmother doesn't survive this. 

Reinfection is now a very real possibility. If you don't want to take my word for it (and honestly you should never take anyone's word for it. Look up your own information!!!), join a fb group called Covid-19 Support Group. It's an incredible resource for those of us considered "long-haulers". You may not know too many of us right now, but we are all over the world. Every race/country/ ethnicity is represented, and we all have the same story. Thank god for them, because eventually on this journey from hell you start to feel like you're insane. Seeing that others are experiencing the same thing is incredibly helpful. 

We don't sleep. And I'm not talking about a couple of hours here and there. I just sit up, awake. Or if I  do fall asleep,  I wake within the hour gasping for air with a racing heartrate. Our hair is falling out. We can't taste or smell our food. We struggle to breathe while being upright for longer than an hour at a time. Today, a fellow long-hauler, compared having covid to how she felt when she had chemotherapy. Immediately people came out of the woodwork agreeing that they do in fact agree that it is exactly how their bodies felt on treatment day and two days after chemotherapy.  Now, I have never experienced chemotherapy, but it makes sense to me as this beast has affected my entire body. 

Again, I'm not looking for sympathy! That isn't going to do anyone any good. What I want people to consider is that although you certainly hear stories of mild cases of this virus, do not turn a deaf ear to those of us who aren't, simply because it makes you uncomfortable.  There is no reason I should have reacted in this way. I'm a healthy person, with no underlying conditions. THAT makes people uncomfortable.  This is very reminiscent of when my son died and everyone wanted to know "how." Now, of course, some were interested in  our story, but mostly they wanted me to tell them something that would mean that THEY were safe; that their child couldn't contract something so awful. You could actually see the relief on people's faces when I mentioned genetic disorder. But the thing is, there is no safety net. A few days after Easton died, someone opened fire in Sandyhook elementary school. None of those children had genetic disorders, that I know of anyway. But those parents, like me, went home to an empty child's bed. The point is, you just don't know. Now, one could argue that if we're all in danger anyway, why care about preventing further covid spread? Here's why...you have no idea which end of the spectrum you'll fall under. None of us does. And you know, if there had been ANYTHING I could have done to prevent my son's decline in health, I'd have done it. You would too. Believe me, you'd beg for them to take your heart from your chest in order to avoid witnessing that last breath from your little boy as he lays in your arms. 

But I'm not asking you to take your heart from your chest. I'm just asking you to wear a mask and to maintain distance. That's all. Please, for me, for you, for our entire community, do these simple things. We can learn so much by caring for strangers, by modeling selflessness for our children. There is so much potential for love right now, so much potential for some covid kindness. 

Covid "Recovery"

 Today is day 26. Twenty-six days of dealing with this damn beast, and there are many times I wonder if I will ever return to my baseline function. That's a daunting thought when dealing with prolonged illness. And this is "just a virus." Believe me, there has been nothing "just" about this. 

I've been home from the hospital for a little less than a week now, and although that helps tremendously, the amount of fallout I'm battling related to covid is mind-boggling to me. When I first came home, and even now, I had to do some serious work on my blood sugar regulation. I'm not diabetic and my sugars hold pretty steadily around 250. But I've been known to hit the upper 300-400 range. That doesn't feel good, in case you were wondering. Because of elevated blood sugar, I am lethargic, my head hurts constantly, and I can't see more than 3 feet in front of me because my vision is so blurry. This makes balance difficult as well. When my sugar is really high, I'm pretty much incapacitated for awhile until I can get it back to a relatively normal range. While diabetics can live with sugars far outside the norm, someone who isn't used to having such fluctuations doesn't function as well. 

Aside from blood sugar, a major issue for me is chest pain. I continue to have a tightness in my chest that gets worse with exertion. I'm trying each day to push myself further because I'm SO TIRED OF BEING DOWN. But even a walk to the end of my cul de sac requires a break, and a forward leaning inversion so as to take some of the pressure off of my chest. The most disheartening part of this aspect is that from a medical standpoint, I'm "ok." My xray does not show permanent damage. I am not showing further signs of pneumonia. I'm so grateful for these facts, but I still can't breathe, and certainly not comfortably. It feels as though someone is wrapping saran wrap around my chest and pulling tighter and tighter until it is impossible for my lungs to move without the added support of leaving forward. I still lie prone on my stomach for a few hours daily just to give myself a break from the pressure/pain. 

I've recently discovered a support group of post covid individuals and it is so helpful. No one understands what we're living through unless they've been there. It's so helpful to hear that I'm not alone, and that I'm absolutely not making up these symptoms, because sometimes you just feel crazy. The group celebrates wins together and we encourage each other each day as much as possible. Today several of us celebrated taking a shower without falling over and/or needing a shower chair. There are many discussions daily about how often you are able to shower each week. It is a huge undertaking as our shortness of breath and balance issues make it an extremely difficult task. So many talk about the continued chest pain, shoulder blade pain, shortness of breath, hair loss, peripheral neuropathy, etc, for months after covid infection. Some people are going on 7 months of symptoms. Some have relief for awhile and then months later have a sort of "relapse". 

The point of this post is that this isn't over. This is a long, arduous process and for those of you out there wondering, like me, if this will ever get better, you are not alone. I'm mentally done as well. The steroids make me hungry and angry, but I can't eat freely because my sugars are terrible . I'm exhausted but want/need to have something that looks like a life. So I'll continue working and pushing my body to adapt and get better. So many out there are suffering the sequelae of this virus. Many are in far worse shape, and I'm grateful to only be afflicted in the ways that I have been. Just please know that when you say something about the "insignificance" of the death toll, or the "hoax" of this virus, you are hurting real people. We're not making up the pain, or the fear of our unknown future. Be mindful, and know that just because someone doesn't die from this virus, doesn't make us insignificant. We matter. And we're hurting.