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Sunday, September 11, 2011

Tooth or Dare

Every mom knows that there are a few simple truths that we must accept as fact.  For example:

FACT:  If you have a particularly embarrassing story that you had hoped would NEVER be repeated while you were still alive, your 4-year-old is going to make re-telling it to the wal-mart cashier her top priority.

FACT:  If two or more children are sitting within spitting distance of one another at least one of them is going to inhabit the other one's "space." (and probably do a little spitting too, for that matter.)

FACT:  If you forget to pack an extra set of clothes one damn day out of the entire freaking year, THIS will absolutely be the day that your child pees, poops, or pukes all over themselves.

FACT:  If you lift up any one of the couch cushions in your house at any given time, you are likely to find at least three cheerios (even if you've never purchased any...cheerios can appear by spontaneous generation), an earring you thought YOU lost two years ago, and something that you "hope" is a raisin.  

FACT:  If you decide to be a "good mom" and encourage your children to brush their teeth, that's fine but just know that you are to blame for the new toothpaste wallpaper in your bathroom.

This last one is particularly disturbing to me.  I've tried and tried to figure out exactly how that much sticky nastiness can come out of that tiny little tube.  It's freaking EVERYWHERE!!!  It covers the sink, the wall, the toilet, the 4-year old.   I seriously don't understand this.  I don't think children should be allowed to have a mirror in their bathroom because no matter how many times you clean it as soon as you turn around, the toothpaste fairy spatters crap all over it again.  And of course it isn't a nice, minty smell that you may be able to stand for 5 seconds.  OH NO, it's that uber-sticky, glitter-clad, bubble gum nastiness that your children just HAD to have.  I have shown my children NUMEROUS times how to properly spit in the sink and rinse their toothbrushes out.  It isn't rocket science, and my kids are relatively intelligent beings.  So, I continue to ponder the reason for the incessant stickiness.  Do they not understand?  Do they have some sort learning issue I haven't yet discovered?  Or do they just hate me and like to see my face turn 6 shades of red on a daily basis?

Well, I think I may have recently discovered the answer.  Due to the growth of our family over the past couple of years, we have had to do a little room rearranging.  I used to have my own bathroom, and the kids shared a bathroom with their dad.  Now the adults share one bathroom, the kids the other.  A few nights ago, I was talking to my husband while he was brushing his teeth and I watched in horror as he finished up and walked out of the bathroom.  It WASN'T that my kids didn't understand.  It WASN'T that they had some sort of learning disability.  It WASN'T that they hated me so much...IT WAS GENETIC.

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