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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Please

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!   You can't be gone. You just can't because I can't do this.  I can't take it anymore.  I don't want to be here. Not without you.  Please, please, please come back.  I'll do better.  I'll figure something out this time.  Just come back. I can't breathe. I can't sleep.  I can't move.

Nights are always harder, but days aren't much better.  Reaching into your empty crib and coming back with nothing is like being stabbed repeatedly, but being unable to turn away from the knife in hopes that at least once the reach will be rewarded.  I can't stand being in our van without you.  So many things I used to take for granted and I didn't even know it.  I just want one more glimpse in that rear view mirror.  I want to hear you say, "Momma, Momma" and when I look back you'll be pointing to the little tv which is your way of asking for Mickey Mouse during the short drive to pick up your brother and sisters from school.  But GODDAMMIT, no matter how many times I look back there, you've never there.  The car seat is empty.  It's EMPTY!  How is that possible?  You were just there.  We were just playing the echo game where you'd yell at me and I'd answer with the same sound and then you'd smile the sweetest little knowing smile.

Why can't I hear you playing in the water during your sisters' baths?  Why aren't you splashing and bothering them?  Why aren't I complaining about having to change your pajamas AGAIN because you've gotten soaked with the suds of their bubble bath?

Can you hear me sing your bedtime song every night?  Can you hear me tell you that I love you to the moon and back?  Do you see me looking at the empty little rocking horse in your room?  I still leave the night light on for you.  I don't want you to be scared.

I take you with me to the mailbox every day.  I sing the Blues Clues mail song just like we used to.  But you don't lean over and play with the flag anymore.  You don't try to take the letters out of my hands.  Why did you stop?  Why aren't you here?

If you just come back for a little while, we can try again.  I'll work harder.  I'll give you anything.  I'd give you everything.  I'll take your place.  Just come back.  I know I sound crazy, but I don't know how to do this. How do I do this?  How do I drive an empty vehicle?  How do I get the mail?  How do I go into my bathroom and brush my teeth without you reaching into the sink to splash the water?  We did these things together.  We slept together, we played together, we cried together, we laughed together...and now, I'm certain that we breathed together. Because sleep no longer happens, playing can't be done, crying is so lonely, laughter is so full of guilt, and I haven't taken a full breath since you took your last.

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