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Saturday, July 6, 2013


I've got an idea for a new "reality" tv show.  First I'll explain how I came to this mind-blowing discovery.  I happened to be flipping through channels and I had to get up and attend to something else, so I left it on the current channel.  When I returned to the tv I noticed that the commercial was over and the show that was on was called, "Say Yes To The Dress."  I was sort of preoccupied so the show remained on my tv and I started to catch glimpses of what the people were trying to do.  Here are a few gems from the episode I saw:

"I just want everything to be PERFECT for this wedding because I'm kind of OCD about it."

"I'm getting really nervous because I haven't seen the dress in so long and I'm just hoping I like it as much as I did then.  I mean, can you IMAGINE if I didn't like it?!?"

"I can't believe it, but this ISN'T at all the dress I remember wanting.  For one thing, it's a little more white than ivory..."

This got me thinking about some clips I saw (by accident) of the show "Toddlers In Tiaras."  I specifically remember a mother telling her child that her hair looked awful and that she needed to keep her fake teeth in because her regular ones were "hideous." You know, hideous in the way that only a 5 year old can be...the nerve those children have, losing their baby teeth at such an inopportune time.  I also saw one of the girls talking about how she would "just die" if she didn't win grand cupcake supreme al a mode or whatever the hell it was.

How can I put this in a way that is tactful, yet gets my point across?...ARE. YOU. FREAKING. KIDDING. ME????  Screw tactful, I'm just pissed.  You've GOT to be joking.  We're talking about a perfect wedding dress?  Really?  Perfect teeth on a five year old?   A perfect ivory versus a less than perfect white????  This is absolutely ridiculous. And people WATCH this crap.  Tell me you don't get all teary-eyed when the bride's dress doesn't fit like a glove.  Tell me you don't wait with baited breath as the entitled, self-centered, ego maniac deliberates her final say on whether or not this piece of fabric is up to par.  Please tell me that's not what's driving people to watch these shows.

Needless to say, 45 seconds of the show was all I needed to see before changing the channel and seriously considering throwing the remote through the tv.  This brings me to my original thought, the new reality tv show.  I would call it PICU vs. PITA.  This is how it would work.  The show would feature just a room with chairs lining opposite walls.  One side would consist of the "characters" from these two shows, and the other side would feature PICU moms.  For those of you who don't know (first of all consider yourselves extremely fortunate) the PICU is a pediatric intensive care unit. Each time someone from the aptly named Pain In The Ass group complains about anything, the PICU moms get to choose someone from their team to "teach" a little perspective.  For example:

PITA Mom: "My daughter had to go up on stage with an imperfect hairdo!  The horror!!"

PICU Mom, whose daughter just had to be consoled as she cleaned up the clumps of hair that fell out onto the pillow as a result of the poisonous chemo treatment she just received, doesn't need to say a word.  She's simply allowed to meet the idiot in the middle of the room and slam her in the head with a 2x4.

PITA Group: "But, if my dress doesn't come in a sweetheart neckline, I may as well call off the wedding! It wouldn't be perfect anyway. I never get what I want!"

PICU Mom with no malice in her voice, only fatigue and endless pain: "Do you know what the perfect day would be for our family?  The day that we even get to hope that there could ever be the possibility of a wedding."

PITA Mom: "I hate to see her mess up on stage like that!  She's worked so hard!"

PICU Mom: "Hard? Today I had to watch as the medication that has the same potential to kill my son as it does to cure him, drip from the top of his iv pole into his battered arm. And I told the doctors to give it."

I know this probably seems extreme and crazy, but guess what?!?!  Just because you don't WANT to see it, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.  REAL people deal with this every day.  They have no idea what it means to feel anxiety over a botched pirouette. Their anxiety comes from countless sleepless days and nights.  Their fear lies in how much longer they can scrape by, having not eaten in 4 days because food isn't a priority.  And as awful as all of that is, as painful and insane as the PICU existence can be, there are those of us who would give everything we have to get the chance to fight through that Hell again.  We'd give it all up for one more smile, one more whiff of our children's perfect scent, one more grasp of their hands. So, yes, your dress may be less than perfect and your child may not be named little miss candy corn princess, but I have to say that I don't really give a damn.  Unless of course you're signing up for my show, in which case, let me be the first one to greet you...with my 2x4.

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