Visit Dreams

It's 1am, and the tears I feel are real. It's because the dream was so real. The world I was just in was so filled with emotion and hope and laughter, and when I opened my eyes and the cruel, harsh reality slammed me in the chest, the tears were all I had left.

I had reached for you. I'd seen your sweet face and soft curls and when you reached back for me, I'd buried my face in your scent. At the time, I didn't know why I was crying. All I'd done was pick you up...something I'd done a hundred times before. But somewhere in my dream brain, it was registering that the ability to do this was special. So I snuggled you closer, and I whispered to you that I'd never let you go...

So you can imagine the burning in my chest when I opened my eyes and reality raged through my heart. I'd done exactly that, again. I'd let you go. Why did I do that? Why did I think that I could handle cutting myself in half and continuing to "live."

It's amazing to me how physical my ache for you continues to be. The triggers happen in a million different ways every day. They're present in a moment I have at work, or something someone says to me that makes me remember how very lonely this grief process is.

I wish you'd never left. Sometimes I'm mad as hell at you for leaving. Most of the time I'm mad at me. But the burn is the same either way. It's moments like these that make life seem so incredibly long, and I need that day that will bring me back to you.

So, I'd ask for you to make these days I'll have to endure, burn a little less, but then Sara's words ring in my ears..."you don't want this to go away. Not really. You want the dreams, because they connect you." I know you gave her to me, and I'm grateful. But goddammit, I hate when she's right. So maybe make that happen a little less often...ok?

I miss you, my boy. I ACHE for you. I'll feel that burn in my chest every day until I get to bury my face in your hair again. Until then, help me to find the moments that allow me to breathe. Give me the strength to want to stay...and don't stop visiting my dreams...