Heaven, Haiti, Home

Heaven, Haiti, and Home....

"The decision to have a child is to accept that your heart will forever walk around outside of your body."

Remember when you had your first child, and you had no idea that your heart could experience such a capacity for love? And then you had your second and the guilt of bringing another child to share that love weighed on you until you laid eyes on them and you realized that your heart grew once again? I have experienced these emotions more times than I can count, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to know that the capacity of the human heart knows no bounds.

I could never have known, as a young parent, that I could love someone enough to let them go. When my son was hurting, I could no longer put my own feelings first. It would have been so much easier to trade places, but that wasn't an option, and so I had to tell him that it was OK to move on without me. A huge part of my heart is in heaven, and will remain there. Nothing will ever replace that space.

My biological children have been home for a week now, living their busy lives without us. I miss them terribly. They each occupy different parts of my heart and I can't wait to wrap them in hugs again. Part of my heart is at home.

And now I have daughters who have stolen yet another piece of me. Part of my heart is in Haiti. I cannot adequately describe the love and the connection I feel to two little women who just two weeks ago, were strangers. From the moment I laid eyes on them, I felt that pull at my heart. Its ability to grow and create space has not been lost, and I'd feared it had for so long. Their hugs got longer each time I left them. And the last day, I was sure they'd never let go. Watching them cry tears of sorrow as their Dad and I left, broke me. We watched as their friends circled protectively around them, knowing all too well the pain of watching your parents leave and hoping against hope that they would, indeed, return for you one day.

While my heart stretches from heaven, to Haiti, to home, I recognize the gift in that truth. I have learned and experienced the capacity of the human heart and it's more incredible than I could have imagined. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, but I had no idea just exactly what that would mean for me. Now I know....

Heaven, Haiti, Home....