Tomorrow

 I had absolutely NO idea what I was doing. I was barely 21, and roughly the size of a house, and I thought I knew what to expect....kind of. Then I experienced this long, tumultuous labor and delivery. It was one filled with fear and uncertainty near the end. Little did I know, that was only the BEGINNING of the uncertainty. I thought my baby was tiny. I thought my baby was going to get here quickly and effortlessly, and that I'd be able to go back to finish my senior year of nursing school with no problem. Aaahhhh....ignorance, it truly is bliss. That September day in 2003, I was handed 10 pounds 12 ounces of uncertainty. 

While it took me awhile to figure out how to sleep, shower, cry, feed, dress you, dress myself, etc...you were a little piece of perfection right from the start. My big, "tiny" baby with inquisitive eyes from day one, you gave me the role of mother. I learned more from you than you're likely ever going to learn from me. You've always been so aware of those around you, so in touch with the emotions of other people. Your ability to read the human condition from a very young age has always inspired me. From your sweet, little toddler voice to those days when you began towering over me, each day, each moment with you has been a gift. 

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day that you officially leave high school. I know I'm supposed to be sad, or "happy/sad", but I'm just not. I'm so unbelievably grateful to have been the person who got to watch you get here. I got to see all of your "big" moments, and the little ones that were actually bigger than we knew. I've gotten to stand in front of you and reach back for your little hand. I've gotten to stand beside you, when you no longer needed that reach. And now I get to stand behind you as you go off to be amazing. The thing is, you already are amazing. You were that first day I saw you. You've been everything I could have expected in a son, but oh so much more. Our family life took a hit that no one should ever experience. And maybe that's why I'm not sad. I know what NEVER seeing this day looks like. But our loss of him does not define you. You are so much more than your losses. As you've grown into the man you've become, my proudest moments are the ones where you're not even around and a friend, teacher, relative, stranger, tells me what a kind, compassionate, and thoughtful young man you are. There is no greater gift than that. 

Logan John, we know better than most that nothing is guaranteed, but I choose to believe that if we're going to be here to live life, we may as well LIVE it. I'll hold your hand when you need it. I'll stand beside you when standing alone feels too hard.  I'll stand behind you when you need a safe place to land. But no matter where you want me to stand, know that every part of you makes me proud. You are more than ready, more than capable of doing amazing things all on your own. I just happen to be the woman honored enough to watch what you do....tomorrow. 

(I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be)