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Monday, July 11, 2011

Finders Keepers

I have a theory.  My thought is that there is a direct link between increased amounts of testosterone and not being able to find ANYTHING that isn't surgically attached to your body.  Obviously, men have this issue but I'm also convinced that all children are born with a little more testosterone than needed and eventually the females just replace it with estrogen.  At that time, they seem to be a little more adept at locating things.  I swear if the "lost" item isn't IN my husband's hand, he simply cannot find it. For example:

Jeff:  Do you know where my shoes are?

Me:  Did you look in your closet where we keep YOUR shoes?

Jeff:  No.

Me:  Oh, I see.  They weren't on your feet, so therefore they have magically disappeared.

Kids are no better.  The worst part about kids is that they KNOW that Daddy can't find anything either, so even if they are sitting right next to him, they will get up and walk a mile and a half to find me and ask me to find the lost item.  We have a rule that you are not allowed to ask mommy where something is until you have actively looked for it.  This does NOT include standing in one place and complaining that said item hasn't appeared in your outstretched hand.

My husband has his daily misplaced items which always include the keys to his car.  And that is a serious problem because he already lost the extra sets of keys to BOTH of our vehicles.  We do have an actual key holder right inside our front door, but putting them there would just be too sensible.  We must ALWAYS throw them haphazardly on some surface that the children are guaranteed to touch, and it can never be the same surface because then we would know where they are the next time we need them!  He also has his chronically misplaced items.  The man has had approximately 27 different pairs of sunglasses since I met him.  I've had three.  However, I believe the most ridiculous example of his, "I can't remember where my own ass is" moment was just recently.

We had just watched our oldest son win his championship baseball game.  He was so excited, and decided to talk to a few of his friends after the game.  I told Jeff that I was going home with my mom so that I could feed our youngest son before she and I left for a short trip to Springfield.  He arrived at Mom's a few minutes after we did, and sat down on the couch to use the computer.  After a few minutes, my Dad asked what our 4-year-old daughter, Morgan, was doing.  I looked at Jeff for the answer and he sort of just sat there for a second and then his eyes grew wide.  I SCREAMED at him to, "GO GET HER!!!"  He jumped up off the couch and sprinted for the door.  He had LEFT her at the ball field!!!!!

That's not the best part.  When he came back, he tried to blame ME for not TELLING him to get her.  Oh, right, jackass.  I forgot to tell you that we still have FOUR children.  Wait, did you also know that in order to continue living you have to breathe in AND out?  I mean, if these are the kinds of things I have to tell you then we may have a problem!  Of course Morgan was fine because she can make friends with a grasshopper if need be, and in fact she didn't even know we were gone.  When I asked her if she was scared, she told me some story about her flip-flop not staying on her foot. 

I'm not saying that I've never lost anything.  I've had four children, so my brain is mush.  What I do have is the ability to LOOK for things that are "lost."  Although, I guess if my theory is correct then he really can't help it. It's just the testosterone at work. So, if the female body doesn't have enough going on, I suppose we must come to terms with the fact that the uterus is also a  tracking device.

1 comment:

  1. hahahaha bless you! mine is not much better. when he can't find something he says, honey i can't find X but i only "man-looked" for it...... this roughly translates to standing open mouthed in the room and turning around 360 degrees- if said item does not magically appear, it is then deemed lost...