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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Mommy Bikini

Every woman comes to THAT time in her life.  You know, the time that you feel crampy and crabby.  No matter what time of day it is, you are bloated and pissed.  And pretty much the only thing keeping you from becoming homicidal is a bar of chocolate.  Yep, you guessed it...I'm talking about swimsuit shopping.

Is there anything worse than shopping for a bathing suit?  No.  There isn't.  It sucks and yet we have to do it.   Even if you don't EVER actually put it on, it is imperative that you have one sitting in the back of your sock drawer mocking you every time you open it.  So, we make ourselves miserable by going in and trying it on, which inevitably turns into an inner monologue of self-loathing.  Then we spend a ridiculous amount of money on the only one that didn't immediately make us throw-up in our mouths a little, and we tuck it away, tags and all into some corner of a dark drawer knowing full well that it will never again see the light of day.  I absolutely HATE swimming suit shopping.

So, I'm proposing that we open a new sort of bathing suit store.  First of all, bikinis will not be allowed and anyone who walks in and asks for any size that does not include at least two digits will immediately be punched in the face as they are escorted back out the door.  There will be a rack for the "new mommy", one for the "mommy to be", and of course one for the "mother of 4 or more."  This rack will only contain those swimsuits with a girdle sewn into the bottom, and stainless steel cups to hold the girls in place. You see, when 4 kids have been hanging off of them for the past 8 years, regular underwire just doesn't cut it.   This new store would NOT have any mirrors.  No one actually wants any mirrors around when they're trying on a bathing suit anyway, and if they do they have probably already been punched in the face.  And, there would be no need for self-loathing and promises to oneself that when you get home you will begin a strict crash diet.  In fact, this store would give you a free donut with every purchase.  That's right you single digit, swimsuit wearing you wish you'd asked for at least a 10 right now, don't you?

Yeah, that would be nice.  But, since it doesn't exist I will just stick to swimming with the short people in my house.  They don't judge me when I walk down the stairs in my purple (seemed like a good idea at the time, but now sort of resembles a certain dinosaur that I'd rather not mention) full body suit/tent.  They're just happy that I'm playing with them.  They don't care that there are a few more curves than last year.  And really, they shouldn't have a problem with it because it's totally their fault that they are there in the first place.  I still hate putting it on, and I still sort of walk/run to the pool and get in as quickly as possible.  But, it's easier to take when your 4 year old looks at you with all of her baby honesty and says, "Oh, Mommy, I LOVE your bikini."


  1. Are these the type of swimsuits you'd sell? Bahahahaha

  2. I was going to suggest a free chocolate bar! I do own a "mommy bikini." It is a halter tank (read, easy access for nursing when that applied) and has the mandatory butt covering skirt thingy. It makes me look more like a mother than anything else I own. Boo.

  3. How to you think us Grandmas feel about swimsuit shopping? I think your store should have a section for us mature women.

  4. I think you might need a margarita bar in that store, too!!!!

  5. So I guess your sister would be one of the ladies punched in the face? ;)

  6. Bahahaha.... I like you!! Thank goodness I was looking through the list of blogs Laura follows because I do not think I could continue blogging without you in my blogging life!

  7. simplyfulfilled- love the wholesome wear! I should invest in some of that.
    laura-love the alcohol idea!
    RaRa-Yeah, you AND my sister!! :)
    Country Loven-perhaps you should read a few more of my blogs before you decide if you like me or not. I'm sort of a strange breed! Definitely gonna check yours out now! :)
    Bernie-I should have thought about a grandma rack! that would triple sales, i'm sure!

  8. A few years ago I went all out and spent good money on a swimsuit that looks like a little dress. It accents the positives and completely covers the negatives. It's the only thing I look GOOD in! lol Why aren't regular clothes made like that????