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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Goodnight Baby Boy (April 30, 2013)

Goodnight baby boy. (April 30, 2011)

Red race car pjs on because it's warm tonight, and because you like vroom vrooms.
We've rocked and read our book.
"You Are My Sunshine" has been sung and the nightlight is on, just the way you like it.
I tuck you in and quietly leave the room, so grateful that you've gone to sleep.  
I head down to my own bed because it's been a long day and it's going to be a busy weekend because your cousins are staying with us.
I lay down on my pillow, read my book, and fall asleep rather quickly because my bed is comfortable and this is my routine...

"SHANNON!!! SHANNON!!! Something is wrong.  He's shivering or twitching or something!"
Who's talking?  Who's saying this?  This must be a dream.  Who's shivering?  Get them a blanket...
Oh, wait.  My sleep fog is lifting.  It's my baby.  It's my husband holding my baby.  Okay, focus.
I'm nursing you.  But wait, the twitching is still happening.  Should I stop?  Yes, I should stop.  Why?...
What if you have to have surgery?  I should stop.
I should call a doctor.  It isn't stopping.  You're looking at me and even smiling sometimes, but that twitching...
No, I need to call 911.  Yes, 911:
"Something is wrong with my baby.  He's twitching.  Coherent? Yes.  Wait, I think so???  My address?  Ummm, ok, I think I can remember that.  I'm standing in my driveway holding him.  I'll wait for you."
Daddy is holding you.  He looks so scared.  He needs me to tell him that this is ok. I can't. 
I'm shivering. 
Is it cold? 
No, it isn't.
Why is this taking so long? Why are you still twitching?  Stop, baby, please stop.
I leave you with Daddy while we wait in the driveway.  I'm scared to hold you. 
 SCARED to hold my own baby?  What's wrong with me?  What happened?  I put you to bed!! 
I was asleep.  ASLEEP!  Because that's what you do at 3 am, right?  So what is happening?  
Why are you STILL twitching?  This should be done now, right?  Whatever this is...
Wait, nurse brain is kicking in.  This must be one of those febrile seizures.  This will stop soon.
We'll get some medication.  It will be scary, but over soon.
The ambulance is here.  Daddy is handing you to me.  Maybe just being in my arms will stop this.
The paramedic has medication.  Good.  That's what we need.  Give it to him. NOW!
It's not stopping. Why isn't it stopping?  Can't this man see that I need this to work??  Make it work!
We must be at the hospital now.  The driver has stopped.
They're rushing us in.
Now they're cutting your red race car pjs off of your body so they can give you the medicine.
Can you feel my hand?
 Are you ok?  Can you hear me?  I'm here.  I'll always be here...

You weren't ok.  I know that now.  And now, I'm not ok.
I will stay up with you tonight as I did that night.  I will not sleep until your seizure stops.
Every year. I promise.
It's been two years since that night we were shivering in the driveway.
It's funny, though because so many things have happened since then but so many things are the same.
I'm still shivering. And it still isn't cold.
Your nightlight is on, just the way you like it.
"You Are My Sunshine" has been sung.

Goodnight baby boy. (April 30, 2013)

1 comment:

  1. I think of you and your family often. Sending my Love.
    Sara Stevens