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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Basic Life Support

This post is designed to save the lives of all of the "misguided, uneducated" individuals (nice way of saying clueless morons) who say stupid things to mothers.  Motherhood brings several stages to a woman's life, from the very beginning of pregnancy to watching your child graduate from high school and beyond.  It is inevitable that along the way, someone somewhere is going to say something stupid.  So, I'm going to attempt to help those who are unaware of their own stupidity (mainly husbands).

Things you should never say/do to a mom:

  Never ask a pregnant woman how she's feeling unless you are prepared to discuss the following things:
 a. First Trimester-the many colors and textures of vomit
 b. Second Trimester-which is the best hemorrhoid cream
 c. Third Trimester- what it feels like to have an icepick in your crotch, the sensation of having someone use your bladder for a trampoline, and the unfortunate discovery of several interesting body secretions.

  Never go up to a pregnant woman and say, "You haven't had that baby yet?"  Because to be quite honest, at this point she has every right to shoot you directly in the face.  (and she'll want to).  No mother-filled jury would convict.

  Never EVER, at ANY point during labor ask your wife, "How much longer do you think this will be?"  You are likely to get one of the following responses:
a. Gee, I don't know.  I'm sorry, are we making you tired?  Why don't you rest? (She does not actually mean this and it is not recommended because although these are the words she is saying, her brain is plotting your slow, painful death)
b.  I'm not really sure, Dear.  Why don't you crawl down there and ask my uterus, because we aren't really on speaking terms right now.
c.  Get the HELL out of this room, and don't come back until you've shot yourself in the face!!! (again...completely warranted)

  Never tell a brand new mother that she looks tired.  Chances are she already knows this, and it's pretty much just another way of telling her that she looks like shit.  Keep in mind that she's spent the past few months walking/crawling around in a fog, providing 24 hour care to this demanding little person that she's supposed to think is perfect and wonderful but is secretly wondering where the "return" box is located.

  Never ask a mother if her child is talking/walking/reading "yet."  This insinuates that your child is, and hers should be doing these things as well.  One of the following is going to happen:
a. If the mother is a first-time mom, she is going to get all defensive and panicky and make an unnecessary appointment for her deficient child.
b. If she's had several children, she is going to simply sit back and laugh and await the day that your "little genius" shows the family priest how he can squirt milk from his nose. And it WILL happen, because along with wiping noses and expertly creating the best crustless pb&j in the world, we have also acquired the ability of voodoo.

 Never say to a stay-at-home mom, "What did YOU do all day?"  In terms of stupidity, this comment moves you straight to the top...King of the Morons.  You can expect no dinner for the next decade, and if you thought you were sex-deprived before, you will be amazed at your ability to redefine the word "drought."

Never come into the house of a stay-at-home mom at the end of the day and disregard the fact that the house is clean, supper is ready, and the children are alive and STILL ask about some mundane task you may have asked her to complete that day. (i.e.-did you make the house payment?  buy groceries?  find my green socks?)  In all likely-hood you are going to first, get the "look of death," second, be buying your own groceries for the next year, and finally you may find those green socks in a "not-so-pleasant" place.  (Hint: Notice and compliment all of the great things first and THEN, if you must, ask your stupid question.  You are less likely to be shot in the face this way.)

And finally, NEVER EVER, and I mean under ANY circumstances EVER...ring the doorbell during the middle of the day of a house with small children.  Because if you do, and you wake children during naptime, the woman who comes to the door will make you forget why you ever thought it was a good idea to leave your house in the first place.  In fact, you may be inclined to call your own mother and ask her why she gave birth to such an idiot.  If you manage to back away from the door, you should turn and run before the smoke coming from her ears has cleared the air.  This will give you a better chance of avoiding being shot in the face.

I hope that this little tutorial has been helpful, and if it hasn't, just keep your mouth shut and accept the fact that you will never be right again.


  1. I love the "shot in the face" motif!

  2. It's the only way I felt that I could truly get my point across.

  3. all true- i would add any comments on how "big" or "small" you are or should be to the list of things not to say to preggo women :)