How to spot the SAHM

I am a stay-at-home mom (SAHM...learn the lingo, people).  I am friends with other SAHMs, and also with moms who work outside the home both part and full-time.  What I have decided is that although we share many of the same experiences as mothers, us SAHMs are just a different breed altogether.  Here are some ways to spot a true SAHM:

-First of all, we've lost all concept of the conventional ways of telling time/days of the week.  We've got our own system.  We can tell you what day it is, but only AFTER the day has already happened:
  --Let's see...today it took a few extra uses of the "outside voice" to get the kids up for school...must be Monday (I've tried to tell them that weekend binge drinking isn't a good idea, but nobody listens to Mommy.)
  --Today everyone is running around the house screaming and crying because "bad things always happen to me" (i.e. they've lost their library books AGAIN and today is library day)...Tuesday
 --We wake up, get dressed, wolf down some breakfast, run to soccer practice, softball game, gymnastics, wash the car, buy the groceries, have dinner with friends...must be Saturday (the day "off")

-We can also be identified by our attire.  If you see a woman wearing matching clothing, a wristwatch, and shoes that do not involve laces or velcro, you are looking at a work-outside-the-home mom.  If you see a woman who occasionally has her nails painted, and is smiling, you're probably looking at a part-timer.  She still gets at least some time during the week with people who don't know that Boots lost his boots.  However, if you come across a woman wearing "good" sweatpants, an old college t-shirt with baby-goo on the left shoulder, who looks like maybe she's an escaped convict, drools a little every now and then, and walks with a limp...THEN you've found the SAHM.  It's ok though, don't feel sorry for her, she'll look better tomorrow because tomorrow is shower day.

-You can pretty much tell if you're talking to a SAHM relatively early on in the conversation.  She will discuss things like the toilet habits of her children, which is the best park for taking your kids out on nice days, and she will almost always throw in some sort of acronym.  Instead of laughing at a joke, she'll simply state that she is ROFL.  This is because our entire social network, outside of playhouse disney, is facebook.  We spend RIDICULOUS amounts of time on facebook.  No need to shoot a disapproving look.  We are fully aware of how insane it is to become addicted to a computer screen.  But, it can be so many things...it's a place to vent, a place to see that you aren't the only one in the world with no life, and many times it's much more entertaining than any daytime soap opera ever aired.  We not only "check" facebook, we will neglect everything and everyone around us until we've look at the entire "most recent" newsfeed. (Example:  "Mommy!  The baby is crawling toward the steps!"  "Okay,  honey...just a minute...why don't you put a pillow at the bottom for Mommy, so when he falls it doesn't hurt."  The subsequent "thud" followed by wailing probably won't be heard, but at least she'll know that so-and-so's ex-boyfriend is now "in a relationship.")

We are a special class of women.  We may not dress well, know what day it is, or shower on a regular basis, but you can learn a lot from us.  We are patient, thrifty, well-educated on the many colors of feces and what each one may mean, and we are generally very forthcoming with any knowledge we may have obtained via mommyhood.  Even if that means discussing baby vomit over lunch.  SAHMs don't care.  At least it's a conversation involving another adult (even if that other adult is scrunching up their nose and sort of backing away slowly.)  And if any of this interests you, just "friend" one on facebook...I PROMISE we'll be there waiting.