Pinterest Addicts Anonymous

It starts out interesting and fun.  It becomes a challenge.  Soon you are feeling yourself pulled into the vortex.  You wake up thinking about it, and go to sleep at night anticipating the next day's findings.  It's an addiction for which there is currently no patch.  You guessed it...it's PINTEREST. 

Seriously, what the HELL is wrong with this website?!?!!?  There you are minding your own business, perusing the internet like any normal person and all of the sudden some hidden force sucks you in and leaves you begging for more.  I mean, THIS is why my house isn't clean and my kids are necessarily "fed" when they should be.  It isn't my fault, it's this damn website.  It's like a virtual form of ADHD.  Do you wanna look at dresses?  No, room decor, no wait, apple desserts, no, inspirational quotes, no, crafts for kids, no, squirrels!!!!  You don't even have any real attachments  to squirrels but you have to look because it's THERE!  AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Not only is it addicting, it's also completely terrifying!  I mean, there is so much PRESSURE.  First of all, I keep getting emails that all of these people are "following" me.  This is creepy for two reasons: A) I have no freaking clue how to "pin" anything so I have no idea what it is they are following, and  2) even if I ever DO figure out how to pin something, will it be worthy of my followers?  Am I likely to lose people if my pins are lame?  I imagine I'll eventually get emails that say,  "these people are no longer following you due to excessive lameness."  This would be a serious blow to the ego.

It's not that I don't have things that I'd like to pin, but every time I try to, some little window pops up and says that the item I've picked cannot be pinned.  At first, I was pretty sure that there were just some compatibility issues between the item being pinned and the website.  Now I'm wondering if this is some sort of elitist "crafty-makes all wholesome meals-showers regularly-and knows what day it is without asking her children if they have gym class that day" mom site. And perhaps my choices do not fit that motif? How odd.  Maybe all of my ideas aren't what the yuppie mom would consider good, wholesome fun, but I imagine someone somewhere would appreciate my ideas.  For instance:

1.) Feed your kid an orange for lunch but don't put it on a plate.  This way you get points for giving them a fruit full of vitamin C and the smell that lingers from the mess they make on the table will give your house that "just cleaned with Orange-glow" smell.

2.)  You don't really HAVE to give your baby a bath everyday.  Just keep a big bottle of lotion around and when people come over, smother him with it so they THINK he has that fresh baby smell.  They'll never know the difference and they shouldn't be that close to your baby anyway...it's cold and flu season.

3.) Or how about a shock collar for husbands?  Every time they ask where something is, and the wife finds it in exactly the spot that it should have been, she gets to give him a quick shock to remind him that she has better things to do with her time than look for his shit.

4.) And what I really need is some sort of protective shield for my computer screen for when I see those inspirational quotes with some 100 pound, blonde bombshell exercising her way to perfection.  Because my first reaction is to throw a dart at her head.

My name is Shannon Zanger, and I'm now three minutes without pinterest.  For the first few seconds the twitching was unbearable, but I quickly found the remedy on...oh, shit.