It's snowing today. It's one of those really pretty snows that would have sent you straight to the back door in the kitchen, begging to get out and play. I would have bundled you up to the appropriate degree of "mommy ridiculousness". I would have gotten my own snow clothes on (which are always the leftovers because you have to make sure your family is warm first) and hoisted your marshmallow body up onto my hip. We would have probably ended up just sitting in the snow and laughing at your brother and sisters. You would try to crawl to them, but I'd scoop you up on my lap and kiss your red, frozen cheeks. I can almost feel it.
I wonder, what does it look like from where you are? Can you see your siblings building a snowman for you? They've been out there for hours, laughing and playing. Do you get to play in the snow? How I wish I could know the answer to that question, and not just have it be a "guess" from someone who's never been there and is trying to make me feel better.
Do you ever wish you were here, the way that I wish I were with you? It scares people when I say that. Sometimes they think that means I would do something to make sure I got to be right next to you. But, they don't know how much I love you. They don't know how much I've learned about the gift of health and life. I have too much left to do. There are still people out there who don't know you, and I have to make sure they do. I promise I will make it matter. I will make you proud. I will teach others to love the way you taught me. Some will not ever understand, but they'll at least hear your name. I hope you know how powerful that name is. It reminds people to hug longer, love deeper, and laugh more often. Do you know how precious that is? Do you know what it means to me to hear how you've changed lives?
So, enjoy the snow today, baby. Watch your brother and sisters if you'd like, or build your own snowman with Pa. I promise to try each day to be less broken. I'll try to imagine you enjoying a pain-free body. I'll cry more for myself and what I've lost than I do for you and what you would have never had. I'll try to enjoy the snow. And now, I think I'll go to the kitchen door and close my eyes and kiss your frozen, red cheeks.