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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

All things great and small

I have two daughters and two sons, which is great but I often get the comments about having a complete family because of the "balance" in gender.  I don't understand why having two sons and two daughters is any more "complete" than a family of four daughters.  Most of the time, kids are just kids and for the most part the parenting is identical for both sexes.  Having said that, I have noticed a few differences over the years that I feel deserve to be brought out into the open.  Of course, I'm talking about the most obvious difference...the plumbing.

I'm not one of those women who has a son and claims that she's "afraid" to change his diaper.  Oh, because getting peed on by your daughter was so much more enjoyable?  However, it does become a bit different when the source is  more out of control. I've always said that there is something wrong with a gender that can piss in their own ear.  You know what I'm talking about, moms.  You turn your head for one second to either A.-reach the wipes/diapers, or B. to bend over and wipe the butt of the three-year old who inevitably had to poop at exactly the same time as her brother and has had her ass sticking up in the air for 10 minutes now waiting for you to complete the job.  But, I digress.  So, when you look back and begin donning the new diaper you notice a few droplets on your sons stomach...and his face...and the freakin' wall.  Great.  I'll pretend that what  I do next is get some disinfectant for the wall, remove all of the wet clothing and give my son a bath as quickly as possible.  But, in all likely-hood I've just used a wipe to take care of the "problem areas" and rubbed a little lotion on the boy for good measure.

As if this isn't enough fun, my youngest son has just "discovered" himself.  The other day when I was changing his diaper, his arms were flailing about as usual, and then by pure chance he found the promised land.  The kid is only 9 months old, but somehow he managed to give me that look of awe that grown men still feel is necessary.  I had an overwhelming urge to explain to him right then and there that it's a good thing he was impressed with himself because although he, like all other men, will assume that everyone else is equally ecstatic, the results may be disappointing. 

It doesn't stop here though.  I know this because my oldest child is also a boy, and I remember not-so-fondly the first time he came out of his room with a terrified expression on his face.  I knew immediately what the problem was because his face wasn't the first body part to enter the room, if you know what I mean.  OF COURSE my husband wasn't home.  Why is that, by the way?  Why is it that every single time a boy has a penis issue, his father is nowhere to be found? My education is sufficient on most "mom" subjects, but this isn't one of them. What the hell are you supposed to tell your 2-year old when he comes out saluting and crying for you to make it "go away"?  My husband tells me to try to make him forget about it at the moment by distracting him with something else.  So, I give it my best shot.  "Hey, buddy, let's just try to forget about it and play with these blocks instead."  And then, somehow, like he's been waiting for this moment his whole 2 1/2 years of life, he says in all seriousness, "But Mommy!  It's so big!"...Yeah, ok son, can I give you a little advice?  That statement will get you the same result now as it will 20 years from now...nothing more than an exaggerated eye-roll.  

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