Always leave things the way you found them...

It is very important to me that my children always clean up after themselves after a playdate.  I tell them that we must leave things the way we've found them out of respect to our hosts.  However, I really wish that I could have instilled this little nugget of wisdom while my kiddos were in utero.  I mean, I realize that it's partly my fault that they were in there in the first place, but I don't remember giving anyone permission to go rearranging parts of a once relatively decent body and therefore rendering it unrecognizable to anyone with two good eyes.

I distinctly remember a time when I could put a bra on without rolling my boobs up from my knees and tucking them in for the day.  Now I have to listen to my 5-year-old question when exactly it was the my "boobies fell down."  And who said that it was okay to stretch my body to unimaginable distances, so that my stomach now resembles some kind of roadmap to hell?  I understand that changes are going to happen.  You're bringing another life into the world.  I just think it could be done with a little more respect to the female form.

The problem is, it doesn't stop there.  I'm also a breastfeeding mother.  Don't get me wrong, this is a choice I made and honestly wouldn't have it any other way.  However, it is NOT necessary when searching for the source of every sound in the room to bite down and take my boob with  you.  It isn't going anywhere. And frankly they are too tired and overworked to come back from that kind of trauma.  I've reluctantly accepted that I will be sporting the "tennis ball in an old sock" look for the rest of my natural life.

Oh I've heard all of the claims of true beauty as a mother.  You know what I'm talking about...those people that walk around calling their stretchmarks "battle scars"  or "badges of honor."  In fact, I'm guilty of saying such things myself.  Let's cut the crap people.  I love my children more than anything else in the world, but I want my ass back.