My husband and I usually get to go out once or twice a year, and lately those outings have included local music trivia nights. I am, of course, completely useless when it comes to current music trivia because if it doesn't include the words, "twinkle twinkle, hot dog hot dog, or we did it lo hicimos" I've never heard of it. I do know some pop music, but my knowledge of song lyrics is limited to what my 5-year-old has interpreted, and I believe that this morning's serenade went something like this: "Chili pie, Chili pie, don't you hear about a poke her face?" Somehow I don't think I'll get any points for that rendition.
I blame the catergories. I think I'll have my own trivia night just for moms. Of course the questions would look a bit different than what the mainstream crowd is used to, and the answers would inevitably have two or three parts apiece. Perhaps it would look a little something like this:
Q: What items can you expect a mother to carry in her diaper bag? (Any seasoned mom knows that this answer actually has 2 parts. One for first time moms and one for the rest of us)
A1: A first time mom will have diapers, wipes, pacifiers, extra clothing, toys, snacks, medications, a desk lamp, a bowling ball, a weed-eater...pretty much everything but the kitchen sink (and sometimes that too.) She will be prepared for any crisis, real or imagined.
A2: The mother of four will have forgotten the diaper bag and will be instructing her children to either "not pee too much for the next 4 hours, or live with the saggy diaper."
Q: Which diapers are the best?
Accepted Answer: Pampers swaddlers
Answer if you don't want to spend your life savings on shit collectors: White cloud
Q: What is the best way to potty-train a child?
Accepted Answer: The first time the child expresses an interest you introduce them to the toilet and follow them around for the next year and a half asking them if they need to go potty. (some mothers actually consider their children trained when this happens. My question would be, who is the one that's being trained?)
Actual Answer: Don't even entertain the notion until the kid walks up to you, underwear in hand and tells that he already went on the toilet himself. He'll probably begin driving the next day, but at least you won't have wasted your time.
Q: What is the best snack for your toddler?
Accepted Answer: A nice sliced apple, banana, or steamed broccoli
Actual Answer: Anything as long as it already matches the color of their shirt. (This saves on laundry)
Q: How long should a child nap?
Accepted Answer: An hour and a half to two hours.
Actual Answer: However long it takes for mommy to regain her sanity. Sometimes that takes a couple of days.
Q: How often should you bathe your child?
Accepted Answer: Once daily
Actual Answer: When you can't remember the last time you did. (and the hose isn't an option)
Q: What is the best way to get your baby to sleep?
Accepted Answer: Rock him gently, and sing soothing songs until his little eyes flutter shut.
Actual Answer: Put him in the bed, turn off the monitor and go outside.
Q: Do mothers ever show preferential treatment to one child over another?
Accepted Answer: I love all of my children equally. They are each special in their own way.
Actual Answer: Whoever didn't wake mommy up all night is getting a pony.
See, I would KICK BUTT at this trivia night. But for some reason none of these questions are included. I guess I'll just have to stick to being the eye candy for my team. This means I'll have to dig up the bra that still has the wire in it, and locate my "going out" sweatpants.